Monday, January 7, 2008

Control Tower, this is MATS Propjet 62002!

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've
got the little Fokker in sight.'

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly
long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn
at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not
able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right
at the lights and return to the airport.'

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance
time?' Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must
speak in English.' Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German,
flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British
accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
on frequency 124 7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By
the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal
on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report
from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff,
roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified
our caterers.'

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to
hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The
DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past
the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew
got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did
you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came
back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for
another one.'

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are
renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one
to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there
without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha
One-Seven.' The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and
slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
location now.'
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206,
have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark
and I didn't land.'

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a
US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn
and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female
ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!
Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the
difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically:'God! Now you've screwed everything
up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right
there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you,
and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.
Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller
in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out
around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

'Wasn't I married to you once?'

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